Fifteen years ago I did a Bible study entitled Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby and Claude King. It was a time we desperately needed to hear from God about a big decision. I honestly can’t remember if we heard from God, but we ended up not doing what we were contemplating.
The one thing I took away from the Bible study is “to discover where God is working and join him.” For me, this was a very profound statement…one even after fifteen years I’m still trying to walkout wondering if it is even possible for me.
Warning: If you can’t handle real, raw, open-heart honesty. Don’t read on…but if even one person can relate, it’s all worth it!
Let me explain in the words of my notes I wrote the other day as I go through this study again fifteen years later…
“I know I constantly fail at doing things in my own strength, but honestly I can’t see where God is at work. I have huge ambitions and am a big idea person but nothing “big” ever comes to me. Only the “little” things which I know are big in God’s eyes, but I don’t understand why God put this “drive” in me, this ambition if he’s not going to use it. I wish I could be satisfied with the little things. It would make for a much more peaceful existence…”
That’s where I’m at now. Everything I seem to do, even when I think it’s God, fails. At least by my standards. My writing isn’t where I think it should be. It’s not reaching enough people. No one comes to the small church groups I volunteer to lead. Writer…Interrupted isn’t even growing the way I thought and believe me I’d give it up, but I feel God doesn’t want me to let it go. And let’s not even talk about my blog readership or my lack of real life and online friends, and family issues over the course of my entire life…Maybe I expect too much from myself or from other people…I just don’t know anymore…
Sometimes I just want to ask God “what more do you want from me?” “I feel like I’ve been obedient to your will even in the most painful circumstances and yet only more heartache has come from it.”
Maybe I’m truly fooling myself. Maybe I don’t know Jesus as much as I think I do. Maybe I was meant to walk a different, more lonely path… Maybe…Maybe…
I totally get that.
I struggle against those feelings, too. But then I remember: “…godliness with contentment is great gain” (I Timothy 6:6)One would surmise then that godliness without contentment is not great gain. God sees our heart first, cares about our heart most. Our actions please God only when our heart motivation pleases God.
“He who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much; and he who is unrighteous in a very little thing is unrighteous also in much.” (Luke 16:10)
Ask yourself for whose glory you desire to be successful. God’s? Yours? I do not ask myself this question nearly enough.
Things for both of us (all of us?) to ponder as we seek to serve Him, and bring Him glory. May the Lord bless you in your soul-searching.
Yes, I feel all of that. Just when I think my blogs are taking off, everything slows down; just when I think I’ve finally written the right thing, I’m rejected. But I’m going to keep trying. I’m going to send off some queries tomorrow, in fact. God gave me a vision, and he will be faithful to see me through it, even if it’s not in the way I imagine. I’m sure the same is true for you. I love your Writer Interrupted group site–I just get busy and forget to visit. Maybe you should e-mail reminders.
That IS raw. I get where you’re at, because in many ways I’m going through the same things. Join Him–but where? Praying that we both see where He’s working so we can jump in.
Gina,
Don’t let it go girl — you know more than I can tell you, that God has given you the ambition/drive you have b/c He will use it — maybe you’re just practicing for the work He has for you. But, I have no doubt that your work here has touched many lives. Your comment here is so timely, b/c I want to suggest to you a blog tour my friend Karon Goodman is doing for the next 5 months. Her newest devotional (A Ladder and a Promise) speaks to the work God has for us and how difficult it is for us to get it done. On her blog tour she’ll go through the big 5 fears we have that hinder our work. Check it out at http://www.karongoodman.com or see the media kit at http://karongoodman.com/clientimages/45123/media.pdf. I know you’ll love it. I’m reading the devotional book A Ladder and a Promise for the second time! Join me at Karon’s blog — See you there!
Gina,
Thank you for sharing in such an honest way. I know God will honor your hopes and dreams for your writing and your friendships. Sometimes we need to just lay it all out there and that’s when we see the greatest changes in our lives. Blessings:)
I relate, Gina. My blog died a slow death when I stopped having time to blog daily. But what I miss most is the interaction, and time to visit other people’s blogs. There are so many online options now…Facebook, Twitter, webrings…I can’t begin to keep up like I’d like to. I’ve also wondered where God wants/needs me. I think that is one reason Paul advised people to remain single if they wanted to have the maximum impact for God. Right now, we’ve got our families to consider–and homeschooling is a huge consideration! And raising these little arrows is a ministry in itself.
I’ve been hosting a weekly Bible study-lunch in my home for years now, and would love to include more people, but just can’t wrap my mind around it–space wise, meal wise. In fact, I’d love to start a variety of home classes…but God is obviously not in it–at this point in my life.
I guess I’m just reaching out with a cyber hug to you, because you have so many really great things going for you…and if the Lord tarries, you’ll find His will, and the time to carry out whatever it is He asks of you in the future.
And sometimes, I think the loneliness is from Him…it kind of forces us to “be still and know that He is God”…for me, anyway.
I missed this post, thanks for directing me back to it!
Your 1st paragraph in “raw” I could have written myself. I just asked my husband last weeks. “When will I be something or someone instead of just Jessie that girl who does a lot of things but never succeeds at anything significant.” Seems so self pittying but it’s how I’ve felt. Darn Type A personalities. I even asked God, “Why’d you make me this way if I’m supposed to learn to surrender. I can’t surrender AND be in control!”
Well, all I know is I’m struggling through it with you. And whatever else happens I’m thrilled to be a friend, little sis, faithful student. You amaze me in your patience, dilligence, knowledge, kindness, ability to be real and relational despite the computer screen between the miles.
God allowed us to meet exactly when I needed it. Know that I consider you more than just Gina the Writer, you are my friend and big Sis! If you were already “famous”
could it have happened?
So, maybe that’s our answer, to touch people’s lives is a better “title” than to become something or someone! Then WHEN we become those influential people in God’s timing we have the relationships to sustain us, kick us in the pants, redirect us and/or give us meaning when it ain’t what we thought!
Who knows. I’m still wondering in my own life.
Praying for you!
Jess
I know exactly how you feel. I am in the same boat, wondering what God’s plans are for me. I have faith that he will reveal his plan in due time.